On the Edge of Darkness, Just be Held
Does it seem darker than before? How do you get the strength to go on? Feeling like you are drowning yet you raise your head and find the inner power to continue to push through.
As a husband, there are certain roles that you assume. Provider, comforter, healer, leader, I could go on and on. We believe we are to hold it all together no matter what. Then comes that moment in time, where the sands slip through our fingers, and we begin to lose our grip.
Fear and anxiety that we put our parents through as kids become a reality in that moment, as we lose control.
Whether it is a spouse or child, you can be brought to your knees in an instant. One moment you are complacently going through your daily routines. Suddenly your life is turned upside down, and you are rocked to your core, no longer having control.
My wife and I have not been blessed with children. I witnessed the stripping of all my power as illness took over her life. In a moment we went from our daily routines to feeling like we were barely breathing. Days and nights blended as I remained at her bedside. Every needle and pill she experienced pierced my helpless heart.
I painstakingly watched as the doctors treated my wife more like a number than a person. All dignity and humanity were taken away as they tirelessly tried to find a label or condition to put on her.
Our home was empty in her absence. Our rescue dog lost her mind as she sought her. Destroying her kennel, the carpets, our tranquil home now looked like a war zone.
Going through the motions everything else that mattered no longer mattered. My loneliness and weakness slowly took over.
I found myself pouring into music during my bouts with emotional distress. Holding it together is hard. Words of songs I had heard dozens of times now were therapy. Lies I heard my entire life now confronted me head-on.
Being a man does not mean you always have to be strong. I grew up thinking that only girls cry, that was how I was raised. Guess what? In times of emotional distress, men can cry too! There was a moment on the way to the hospital one morning when a Casting Crowns song, Just be Held came on KLove. I had heard the song so many times before, yet this morning Mark Hall’s voice and lyrics pierced my soul. I found myself on the side of the road crying uncontrollably, and it was okay.
So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held
When we are man enough to admit our weaknesses, it is then that we show our truest strength.
Moments when we learn to depend on God and the prayers of others just to get us through another day. It is through those struggles that we find our real peace, and what it truly means to be a man of God.
Never do I want to experience the fear and loss of control that I did as I watched my wife in the ICU. If anything this experience has shown me the value of every day, the things we take for granted, and the unconditional love not only that we can have for one another. But also the unconditional love our heavenly Father has for each one of us.
Have you had a moment of weakness turned to strength? One that could not have been accomplished without surrendering. A moment when you found your life’s direction held in the hands of the potter as He reshapes your world? Share in the comments, I would love to hear your story.
About Charles Johnston
Charles is a Christian, husband and father of fur-kids who shares his walk with others in hopes to help other's along the way.